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How the ex can play havoc with hot lovin

12.09.2007

So there I was at Los Angeles’ premier lesbian night, Truckstop, when my friend Kyra bowls up to me looking somewhat agitated. “Girl, I swear if that bitch gets in my face one more time, I am NOT going to be held responsible for my actions.”

Not one to mince her words, Kyra was referring to her recent ­ex-girlfriend Lee-Ann who had been dancing a claustrophobic 12 inches away from her, allegedly to prevent Kyra from being approached by a new suitor.

It wasn’t the first time that this had happened. Try as Kyra might to get away from the ex, wherever she went (she even switched to the neighbouring Abbey and Girl Bar) Lee-Ann would show up, cramping her style.

I can relate. A few years ago, while dancing at south London queer club Duckie, I bumped into my ex, Lisa.

“You’re looking hot, babe – fancy coming home with me for old time’s sake?” she asked me. “Only if you’re offering me an iced tea,” I replied, ­hoping she’d get the hint.

She did. But she wasn’t happy about my rebuttal so she hovvered around me as if she was Chelsea’s John Terry defending goalkeeper Peter Cech.

This would be irritating enough if I was on my own but, as it was, I had my eye on the minor TV celebrity I’d ­interviewed a few months earlier and who seemed to be interested in me that night.

As I left the club and headed towards a taxi rank, said TV star followed me out on to the street and asked me if I’d like to share a cab home with her. She lived in my general direction as it turned out, and I was damned if I was going to miss my opportunity.

But Lisa had other ideas. She wanted to hop on our ride too and, since she was rather the worse for wear, I felt duty bound to help her on her way back home.

There weren’t many cabs that night and I feared she might do herself a mischief if left on her own. I asked my potential new shag if she minded dropping Lisa off ­before we headed to her place. Fortunately, she obliged.

Unfortunately, Lisa was so drunk she let us both know that she didn’t want us going home together, rather unsubtly reminiscing about the “old days”.

Once we’d walked Lisa to her front door and got back in the cab, TV shag understandably made her ­excuses and dropped me off, much to my disappointment. I’d been stitched up good and proper. Still, I suppose it could have been worse.

TV shag could have ended up going off with Lisa, which would have left me being shagless and cuckolded all in one night.

And that’s too much rejection for any girl to handle.

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